My days here in the P.I. are numbered. Its a one way ticket- the saddest thing aside from unrequited love,a head pounding hang over or a root canal without anaesthesia. One way ticket is my metaphor for uncertainty, it whisks you somewhere without any guarantee of being flown back. Its like finally fleeing from the total control zone of Yodok, North Korea, only to find out that all the important people in your life are left behind, including your will to live. I know that I am extremely lonely, because my attempt at humour falls flat and makes me woozy. I dont feel any emotions at all. I get this when the emotions become overpowering that my system stops to acknowledge them anymore. It does the automatic shutdown, either from emotion overload or for self-preservation. I just dont want to think about any of it anymore. Even writing this entry feels like an out of body experience, I am not the one who is keying up these words, its my raw emotion. It dictates my person, taking ahold of me completely. Overwhelming sadness reduces me to a zombie. I know that one day, when i get back to my senses, I'll keel over laughing upon revisiting this entry. "what was I thinking? this one will surely make the cut to Elton John Drama Awards (cling! fell flat)" .But for now, I am not thinking, I am feeling. The bad thing about saying goodbye is, there isn't really getting used to it. The departure area that holds teary, bloodshot eyes will always be like that- a place of unspeakable sadness,painful sense of abandonment, and helplessness. Once you walk past the immigration counter and into the departure holding area, you are officially alone, and have to rise to the occassion of looking after youself, because no one else will.
My friends, I am now leaving, thank you for putting up and sorry for my neuroses. Ill be missing you all.
