Once Upon a Time In Chinky China Part 2: The Curse of The Gaudy Parlor

After convincing the Chinese immigration officers that I am the person whose picture appears on my passport and not just a product of some nuclear experiment gone haywire, we are allowed to enter the miasmatic city of Shenzen, where we are assaulted by the sight of 1. homeless people who are either just idling around or waiting for their trains to come (there's a train terminal adjacent to China Southern gateway) 2. Peddlers of knock off stuffs that whisper to you conspiratorially about the clandestine locations of their wares which seems enticing until you see Dolce and Gabbana spelled as Dolshe and Gabbina 3. State of decadence - aside from the Shangrila Shenzen, other buildings look decrepit, abandoned or just plain drab.
We start looking for recognizable signs of any massage parlors until our legs scream for morphine shots. When in a densely populated area, I easily get woozy and my humanity just goes out of the window, I grow batwings, and crave for blood. My close friends can attest to the morbidity of my mood. I can utter 3 sentences in one syllable. "Wevebeensearchinghighandlowforexpletive'ssakehowcomethereisntanyffrigginmassageparorsinatleast3kilometersradiusyoufreak! "
Before my friend pees on his pants from sheer terror, a lady wearing at least an inch thick of make up, a mascara that renders her the look of a drunk camel and clad in a provocative synthetic leather approaches us and say "Massa-gi?" while pantomiming it laborously. "Massa-gi? Massa-gi?"
I almost feel the impulse to shout "English, Tagalog? two syllables? three? "
After roughly a kilometer of hounding us (this is how people in Shenzen do their trades, they get in your face relentlessly and with a critical mass of tenacity), we relent to the offer, and I secretly tell my friend, "Please if you managed to get out of this alive, which I know you would because of your droopy, 'hush puppy eyes, tell my family it was I who fed our dog monosodium glutamate stuffed in sandwich when I was just 8 years old".
We steel ourselves.

Le me tell you about the parlor. It is a place where you wouldnt wanna be seen dead in, aside from the fact that it is downright garish, the neon green and pink plastic flowers all over the place remind you of some makeshift beauty parlor manned by a raging drag queen who can also pass as a policeman back home. Its a five star luxury all the way- If you spent practically all your life living in a cave. The place has 3 cubicles. and let me tell you about the rest rooms, there are No restrooms! I assume its either you bring your own latrines or you burst your bladder in order to relieve yourself.

My friend comes in first as I nervously sit on a couch for a foot massage and whatnots. I never had a footmassage before because 1. I'll keel over laughing my arse off causing my trachea to collapse thus clogging the air passage that will lead to my untimely demise 2. My feet, if tickled, can be a weapon of mass destruction, decapitating any humans within 2 kilometer radius . It is done by a pudgy chinese guy who reminds me of a butcher in some horror flicks that dont sell. But in all fairness, the massage is relatively relaxing and I have to emphatically think of the starved children of Africa and the Auschwitz extermination camps to prevent my feet from karate kicking the head of the masseur. He tries to involve me in some desultory conversation which is as good as not trying at all because his english sounds all chinese to me. One lady staff occasionally sits beside me, touches my face and utters ''byoo-te-froo". Oh that I can understand! but I prefer the word 'handsome'.
All throughout our 'indulgence', if you are so 'third world' to call it as that, my friend and I would talk loudly to know if we are not yet choked to death, chopped and tossed onto dog food sacks labeled as ''vitamins fortified'' yet.

Me: Dude! How are you doing there?
Friend: I am being molested! This girl asks if I'd want an extra service! She is so insistent I feel the urge to bang her head with a lampshade!
Me: I hope you wouldnt catch something venereal, work it man!"
Friend: Sicko! how have you been doing there?!
Me: My legs are overly tenderized I feel like a paraplegic! get a wheelchair, Quick!



to be continued...