It is said that in every relationship, there is always that someone who loves more. They cant stay equally in love, because, as what happened to Romeo and Juliet, They will cancel each other out. Something's gotta give.
In my previous relationships, It was always I who loved less. It must have been my cocky assurance or in retrospect, I can owe it to my gaucheness brought by immaturity. I loved, but I just didn't know how to measure up to their love, because theirs was the overwhelming type. Its funny how we get too close to comfort when we know we are loved. We become so lax and nonchalant because we go under the impression that eventhough we lapse sometimes, they are just there, at our beck and call. With open arms.
But I learned that there was also this concept of 'too late'.
They are all gone now, probably totally exorcised everything that has to do with me out of their lives forever. Sometimes I miss them, each with a varying degree of sense of loss, each with a differing kind of sting that kicks me from the inside when spurred by the slightest memory. It is like this, you go to a place where you once have been with the old flame and the memories start flooding back, People around start asking if everything is okay, and you force a lie out of you mouth. "yeah, everything is fine".
But inwardly, provoked by that de javu-like state, you start reliving the moment, the laughter, the smile and every piddling detail. "this is where I brought my old flame, we sat over there, I ordered this, my old flame that." Every second of the recollection was a splinter inside you.
I guess there is no use letting my old flames know that I'm as sentient as anyone else, and during their times of great pain, I also suffered losing a part of me the moment they walked out of the door. I also cried like a baby.
How can you smile and cry at the same time?
And how can you accuse someone of defiling a place, and at the same time relishing every second of it?
I wish I'd never walked with you around town but I also wish I could still walk with you around town. I wish you'd reconsider and I wishI'd forget.
